Open Eyes, Open Heart

I get in these moods where I just feel like writing, welcome to my mood today. This really has no general theme to it…random thoughts is what probably sums it up the best.

I recently went to a Newsboys/Building 429/Luminate concert…AH-MAZ-ING!! They had this portion of the concert where you could be given a child from another country to support. The singer told the audience to raise your hand and a packet with a child will be given to you. This has always had a BIG pull on my heart. So of course, it took all of 5 seconds for my hand to go up.  As soon as I got my packet, this overwhelming feeling of love, and sadness came over me.  Love because in many ways I feel like God selected that child to be given to me, and sadness because I know she needs SO much more than just a monthly money donation. It is VERY humbling to know that my future child will never have to go through the pains that this child goes through. For the most part, children in the US are spoiled beyond belief compared to this child. I am included in this 100%. I never once “needed” as a child, or even now as an adult. If I see something I want, I eventually get it. This child doesn’t know what it means to go to a toy store and pick out her favorite toy.  I will blog more about her later, once I write to her. I hope that when I have kids that they will know that the life they have should never be taken for granted. I want my children to know the importance of charity work, of being the lesser, putting others first. 

Speaking of that, I get to go to HAITI!!!! I finally get to fulfill my dream of going on a mission trip to another country.  I know some people think it sounds crazy to potentially put yourself in danger, especially in another country, but I feel differently. I truly believe that God will be fully protecting us while we are there. My heart is SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. I want to jump up and run around just thinking about it…or maybe that is the coffee?  Anyway, prayers are appreciated for planning and safety as my church’s youth group goes towards this trip. After this, I hope to one day travel to Africa, Russia or India to serve. Truthfully, if I could afford to quit my job and move overseas for a few months to be God’s hands and feet, I would. I am leaving it ALL in his planning though, and trusting in HIM!

I have been looking at life a lot differently lately, and I can’t help but think it is a good thing. In many ways, I think I grew up too fast trying to fulfill the, “American Dream”- go to college, get a job, get married, have kids. Now that I have accomplished the first two with ease and grace, I think I figured the last two would line up easily. Not the case…but I really am starting to feel OK with that. I am ONLY 22, and I have SO much life ahead of me. I have decided to slow down, and live a little. I have realized that just because most of my friends went down the path of marriage already, doesn’t mean it is for me right now. For now, I am living life as I want to, with the guidance of God in tow. I have decided to live freer, care less about the small stuff, and smile more. I really feel like positivity looks pretty darn awesome on me, and I am sure it does on you too ;)

Random thoughts… 

I miss you SO much. I hate that our friendship always goes through these cycles. I am always here for you though…

I have developed a bad addiction to Maroon 5. I haven’t left their Pandora station in a few weeks and I like ALL of their songs. 

I am beyond happy that we are friends again, but I am pretty sure I am going to cry when I see you haha

Sugarcult is playing right now, forgot how awesome they are…and Dashboard…”you have stolen my heart”…good stuff. 

On the subject of awesome-YOU are awesome -Unexpected? Yes…but the best things in life usually are. I don’t know much, but I do know this smile I have has something to do with you. 

Taking each day at a time, there is no need to rush things because when all is said and done, what is meant to be will happen 

Hakuna Matata loves

Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I am used to getting what I want, when I want. I am used to working hard, and hard work paying off....

I am not used to waiting. I am not used to working hard to only be told, "not yet, be still".

I rebelled. I've been angry. I've been disappointed. I've been impatient.

I have turned away from Him, because I thought a lot like the songs says:

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know

I know He is here, I know He will never forsake me.  I think a lot of us are used to people letting us down. We give God the same attributes that we give people. That has been my mistake, and maybe yours too.

We are used to people lying to us, leaving us, dragging us down....

So when I believed in my heart that I was answering His call for my life, when I stayed on the straight and narrow, never straying, I expected to be rewarded with what my heart desires. I haven't been, not yet at least. I automatically gave God human emotions. I thought He had left me, forgotten me, that whatever I did was not enough.

I stupidly thought, "I'll show Him!!". Let me show you just how far off the path I can get. I have been trusting in myself more than in Him. I have had little self-respect- and if you can't respect yourself, who will respect you? I turned to worldly things to comfort my soul, I have no one to blame, but myself.  It is so easy to play the blame game and never take responsibility. This is me taking full responsibility....

This all hit me yesterday, and it was an amazing feeling to actually listen to Him again. We all have times where we fall off His path, but the important thing to remember is that He never leaves us. He is the ever present, bright lighthouse on the shore. We are the drifting wayward ship going through this storm called life. Don't lose sight of His light or His love for you...

You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Sister.

I will be by your side
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night
Whenever you call
And I won’t change my mind
No, I’ll see you through
And I won’t give up
No, I won’t give up
I won’t give up on you

 

Jessica—the most loveliest sister of all time…

I remember the first time we actually hung out. It was the day that Amber, you and I went to get snow cones and then to Chris’s to jump on the trampoline. You were 10 I think, and I was 17.  I remember feeling ridiculous scared to drive you anywhere. It was like you were this precious piece of cargo that I had to return in one piece. I am pretty sure I used a blinker at every turn, drove the speed limit and stopped extra-long at all stop signs. It is pretty funny to look back on that.

I have always been one to, “take someone younger under my wing”, and be there for them. Generally, this meant showing them how to be “cool” in high school. With you though, it was something completely different. From day one, you have made me want to be a better person, role model and sister. You have kept me to my word, called me out, kept me true to myself. I had no idea that day filled with snow cones, careful driving and trampolines would turn into a sister and now friendship that is truly irreplaceable.

For a long time, I felt like a distance sister or relative. We would only see each other on special occasions, Christmas, birthdays. I know I wasn’t always there for you throughout my time in college as much as I should have been. I know it was hard for you to understand then, but know that  everyone up there knew about you. I even wrote an essay about you that got me into the honors program. I  did enjoy the time we had together when I was home, even if it was short lived. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I would get so nervous when a new boyfriend of mine from college (sorry they were such losers :) haha) was going to meet you. I value your opinion because you are my sister.

This past year, I feel like our sister relationship has transformed into a true friendship. We were always there for each other in the past, but I think at first it was more me being there for you. I wanted to protect you from all bad things in life, shield you, and make sure you are always smiling. Now, you are here for me just as much. I know I can always count on you for a random conversation, dance session or deep talk. I want you to know that I am here in those ways and much more. You are a blessing that I thank God for each day. Speaking of God, I know our relationship has gotten better because of Him. Whether it was the Bible study from last semester, or you attending church with me now, it is amazing to see. I cannot wait to see how He continues to work in your life. You have a big heart, and I know that this will shine when you are doing His work.

You have so much to look forward to these last years of high school and in college. Things will not always be easy; there will be MER days, days were you don’t think your heart can handle anymore. I am no more than a phone call or drive away during these times. Remember that tough times don’t last forever, tough people do. You, my sister are a strong person. More importantly, there will days of happiness, over whelming happiness…and Sadie in yo mouf…

Jessica, you really are the little sister I have always wanted. I am so proud of you and the young woman you are becoming. You are smart, beautiful and funny. You can flow better than any 16 year old white girl I know. You make the best ferret face…still confused on why you are single when you are packing that. You are one of the most loyal people I know. If anyone is going to have my back, it is you. You have a ginormous heart, and look for the best in people. In a lot of ways we are so similar. It makes me feel like we have been sisters our whole life. Don’t let anyone take advantage of who you are, especially a guy. Always remember these wise words: haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate and tomatoes gonna tomate…they will get you through life...

 It is hard to remember a time when you weren't in my life, and I know you will always be a big part of it. You are Sadie's, Aunt Jessica. As I already told you, you will be speaking at my wedding to whatever lucky soul gets me. And one day far off in the future, my kids will know you as their Aunt. Unless I am forever alone, then you are just stuck with Sadie...MER!

Jessica, you are my sister, forever...

You need someone who knows you from the inside out
The way I do
I seen you walk the wire never looking down
I believe in you

I will be by your side

 No, I won’t give up
I won’t give up on you

I love you little sister with all of my heart...and butt...

Love,

Yo sister Lerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn

This is my life...

I know I can get pretty intense on this blog- so I wanted to take a moment to talk about the random things in life. The little things that make life, well life.

I hope all of you enjoy these- I have already posted most on Facebook, but I figured putting them all together works too. I'll be doing these ever so often in addition to my usual posts...

Before we get into all the real posts, I would like to state that these are in good fun. I have an absolutely amazing, blessed life. My life is about loving big, living life to the fullest, laughing until my stomach hurts, dancing out in the middle of the street, and sharing this joy with others.

Welcome to my new blog posts- This is my life :)

Today I was unpacking a box of things I ordered, mind you I have had this box for about a week, unopened and it was in my car all morning... As I got to the bottom of the box I noticed something move in it...so I kinda moved the box again and it was a ROACH!!! So I ninja kicked the box over since I was outside and had a mild panic attack about how he was in the box the whole time. In other news, on Sunday a roach was thrown on me via a blanket and later that night a gigantic momma spider was killed so her 520285801 babies jumped ship to attack...This is my life
I would like to add on to this insect saga, there was a wasp at the small group I teach tonight. A random wasp, just chillin in the youth building. I am not about this life...

Creepy guy at Wing Stop, no I do not want your diamonds...also why are you smoking inside right now? Is this real life? Gotta get away from Sagemont ASAP, not 100% why I ever came back. Operation find house in full swing...And while we are at this, please button up your shirt, no one wants to see all that....this is my life

Decided to treat myself to Starbucks this morning, line of cars was like 10 deep and every parking spot was taken. So I decided to go to Whataburger, and of course they were packed. So now I'm just hungry. In other news, I spilt my drink all over the table at Outback last night...this is my life!

Pretty much just went through a drive thru, ordered my food, paid and then drove off without getting my food. Almost thought about not even going back and getting it, but the fat kid inside of me overpowered the blonde moment embarrassment. Haha This is my life...

This is just the beginning of many more to come. I lovelovelove my absolutely beautiful, random and crazy life.

Let's finish it off with one of my favorite quotes....

Where would the world be if all men had sought security and not taken risks or gambled with their lives on the chance that, if they won, life would be different and richer? It is from the bystanders (who are in the vast majority) that we receive the propaganda that life is not worth living, that life is drudgery, that the ambitions of youth must he laid aside for a life which is but a painful wait for death. These are the ones who squeeze what excitement they can from life out of the imaginations and experiences of others through books and movies. These are the insignificant and forgotten men who preach conformity because it is all they know. These are the men who dream at night of what could have been, but who wake at dawn to take their places at the now-familiar rut and to merely exist through another day. For them, the romance of life is long dead and they are forced to go through the years on a treadmill, cursing their existence, yet afraid to die because of the unknown which faces them after death. They lacked the only true courage: the kind which enables men to face the unknown regardless of the consequences.

As an afterthought, it seems hardly proper to write of life without once mentioning happiness; so we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?

Hunter S. Thompson

Who I am.

Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...

 FUN

-Some Nights-

 

To be honest, I am pretty annoyed by that song now. BUT It does make me think, what do I stand for? These past 3 weeks have been tough for me. I think I have questioned a lot about my life. I have questioned God, I have questioned my faith, my existence. So here is my post about who I am. Just to remind myself, in case I ever forget again...

 

I am completely and totally in love with my Savior.

I am a daughter, not always the most loving one, but I am working on it.

I am a little sister, who sometimes is way too hard on my brother.

I am a granddaughter, who needs to remember that one day I will be old.

I am a big sister, to the most amazing little sister.

I am a friend, and I try to be the best one I can be everyday.

I am a sinner...daily...hourly.

I am forgiving, and I don't see this as a weakness.

I am a lover, who has an enormous heart.

I am passionate, about everything I do in life.

I am completely imperfect, and perfectly OK with it.

I am a co-worker, and hopefully easy to work with.

I am an animal lover, can't I just own my zoo already?

I am country at heart, the big city lights are pretty,but the stars shine brighter.

I judge, everyone does, but I try to love unconditionally like my Father does.

I am a leader, and would rather lead than follow.

I am strong, but HE is stronger.

I am beautiful, inside and out.

I am a Christian, and I want my words and actions to reflect this.

 

 

I want to remember that from the beginning until the end, HE has my life in His hands. Today, has been a day full of peace. He truly knew my heart was aching for His truth, about me. From the second I woke up and throughout my day, He has reminded me who I truly am. I have been going non stop these past few weeks, and lost sight of Him. The thing is, you have to stop and listen. 

 

So what do you stand for? If you don't know, or have managed to lose sight of who you are, I encourage you to just stop and be still. We have all been there before, no one is perfect. Even if you don't feel like you have a relationship with God, you do. He is always there, ready to listen. The tricky part comes when it is your turn to just shut up and be still in Him. We are such a fast paced world, and we need our answers right away. Let's just make sure it's not because we are being too loud, that we can't hear His truth.

So this week, I encourage you to take time to be alone, and figure out who you are. Talk to God like He is your best friend, and then most importantly listen.

 

Love y'all!! :)

 

 

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It’s taking it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
Shawn McDonald--Gravity

From the Inside Out

Oh hey there...

I have been in somewhat of an off season on here. Life has been hectic and busy, but more important amazing and beautiful.

This blog post has been on my heart for awhile, and it just keeps reappearing. Hence why I am here typing these words right now.  I wrote a post awhile ago about how I truly believe people can change. Under the circumstances that they are changing for themselves, not anyone else. Consider this Part two of that post...

It is alarming and beautiful to see God work in a persons life, and truly change who they are. I guess it is something I never really noticed before I dove completely and utterly into a relationship with our Savior. Or I guess you can really say I was pushed in by Him, but that's OK. I will take it however you want to look at it.

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
-- Brandon Heath, I'm Not Who I Was

I am absolutely in love with this song. Really, you should give it a listen because it really gives me hope, and happiness. I hope it can do the same for you. I don't know how many times I have looked back on a photograph, and realized how much I have changed.  You have probably changed over the years and experience this same feeling.

The amazing part of it all, is when I think back to the actual WHO I was in those picture. What I stood for, who I was trying to be, hiding behind a mask of who I thought I should be. Never really knowing, always seeking...that was me. We have all been there before, some of us are there right now and some will never stop seeking who they are and true happiness.

But this post isn't really about me. I want to focus more on the good I have seen Him do in others.I want those of you who haven't accepted Christ, or are just wanting to change, that it is more than possible. No person is too messed up for Him, no situation too big, nor small.

I think some of my favorite stories are from the people I went to college with. I have seen Him use people who I never thought would change. People who used girl after girl to their advantage. People who were drunk pretty much every time I saw them. Which happens more often than not in a college setting. It is such a beautiful thing to see them in their life now. To see them go from that life to one over flowing with His love, and His work. It is truly breath taking.

I have seen forgiveness blossom out of the most unforgiving events. I have forgiven more than I have ever thought I am capable. I have learned how to love unconditionally, push judgements aside and look at the world in a sunny side up fashion

I know some of you are thinking, "I don't need this God guy in my life to be a good person." I wish I could explain it, but I can't put it into words the difference it is when He is put at the center of your life. It really does feel like falling in love. Falling in love with Christ is like falling in love with someone who will never leave you, forsake you, or stop loving you. Finding a actual human being like this is impossible. That is what makes His love for you so worth wild, so amazing, so pure.

Are you ready to take the dive? It isn't easy, it can be scary, but the reward, His love is worth every second of it. I know I have said this before, but if you would have told me about a year ago that I would be sitting here writing this, living the life I have right now, I would have called you crazy. That's the beauty of Him, He knows how to use you in ways you never knew you were capable of. He is just waiting for you to jump in, embrace Him and experience the life changing love that he provides.

Love y'all

Lauren

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Love.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

How do you love? Who do you love?

That is an easy answer for most of us. We love our parents, husband, children, friends, and boyfriend. We love those who have been there for us time after time. The ones who aren't afraid to get in the deep with you and pick you up again. We show them love with hugs, kisses, trust, putting them first. The list can literally go on and on.

But, do you love the homeless, the misfits, those who act and look different, pregnant teens, and anyone who doesn't fit into what you deem is the "right" lifestyle?

Christ does not call for us to only love those who are easy to love. He does not command us to pick our "top 5", loved ones. He does not need our help when it comes judgement time of others.

I feel that we are all guilty of this. Unfortunately, today's church is not immune to this. I am guilty of this. In fact, many times we are at the fore front of this judgmental mentality.

So, I get it. I get why a great number of young people turn away from the church. Why so many deny Christ because of the judgment of some Christians. We are the face of Christ for media, and today's society. What would Jesus say if He came into one of your church services and gave it a good look over? That it is why I feel it is of the most importance that we remember this:

Jesus said, the two greatest commands are to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and to "love your neighbor as yourself".

LOVE.

That is what God has sent us to do.

Love those who are deemed, "unlovable". Love those who have no one else. Love those who are dirty. Love the sinner. Love the addicts. Love your family and friends. Love those who make "poor", life choices. Love when it is hard and uncomfortable.

How different would us as Christians act if we followed His command?

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

-Matthew 25:40-

"Jesus is saying that we show tangible love for God in how we care for the poor and those who are suffering. He expects us to treat the poor and the desperate as if they were Christ Himself."

- Crazy Love, Francis Chan-

I find this unbelievable convicting.

This week, reach out. Show love to someone who you haven’t. Love the least of these, as if they were Christ.

No, it won't be easy. Yes, it will bring you out of your comfort zone. Christ isn't always comfortable. In my opinion, if you are comfortable in your Christianity, watch out. Christ will use you in ways you could never imagine. I not only believe this, but have thankfully experienced it...

I will love.

I saw a man today, his whole world across his back
A living monument opposed to my success
I tried to look into his eyes as he shuffled past my car
Sweat beating on his skin, his clothes and hair a mess
As the light turned green and I pulled away, he slowly disappeared
Just a memory of another chance I failed to show your love here
I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
because I know Your hand will save
Only You can save
Only You can save

Lessons Learned

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

I have been so pumped to write this post. I have come so far in this year, and I am thankful for every trial, bump in the road and joyful moment experienced. I could not have done it without our Lord, my amazing family and friends. I figured the best way to sum everything up is in a list. Mostly because I love lists. Haha


Life Lessons Learned :)

1. My God is an AWESOME God!

I feel like I have should have always known this. It wasn't until that I was pushed into the middle of the storm that I got to experience it fully. I think that it how it happens to a lot of us. I always knew Christ, but it took some of the most important things in my life to be taken from me to KNOW Christ. Funny how that works. He proved to me that I can get through anything through Him. He is my shelter, stronghold, protector, and my Savior. Many of my other lessons are based on what I have learned through Him. He has changed my heart, and I am the most alive when I am submerged in His work.

    2.  Forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were

Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with character to forgive. When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden. Forgiveness doesn't mean what happened was OK, and it doesn't mean that person should still be welcome in your life. It just means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go.

I am generally a forgiving person. Some people think it is a weakness. I prefer to call it a strength, and a very humbling experience. Forgiveness sets you free from the chains that the person who hurt you, put you in. Forgiveness is hard though. Sometimes it feels like defeat, like you are giving in to that person. In reality, forgiveness is sweet. Forgiveness means you move on and that person is usually stuck with the guilt or shame of what they did. True forgiveness means not wanting them to feel that way. That is where I am now.

It has been a difficult journey, but I am thankful for all that has happen. I am the independent, strong-willed, young lady I am now because of it. I know my true friends, and most importantly my Father better than ever thanks to past events.

     3.  I don't play hard to get...I am hard to get

I am seriously questioning if boys ever change into men. This could be a whole post within itself due to my previous experiences. Here is some tips guys:

• If you have a girlfriend, you should feel like a big fat loser when you hit on me. This is my ultimate pet peeve. In high school, I would have been all over it. I also was 16, and relationships didn't involve, pregnancy or marriage. The older you get, the more dumb you look when you do this. No, you aren't super cool when you call me while your girlfriend is asleep or at work or in another city. Then lie about it to her. No, I don't trust you when you say that you would never do this to me if we dated. And no, you don't impress me by talking trash about your girlfriend to me. Here is a hint: grow up, decide if you want to be with her. If you have done any of the above items, I am guessing the answer is no. Do everyone a favor and break up with her. You have no commitment to her, unless y'all are married or pregnant. It might hurt her now, but it will hurt her worse if you wait it out and somehow convince her that your scumbag self is "in love" with her. I believe people can change their ways, but they must want to change. The truth will come out, it always does. Just ask a few of my exes...Side note: If you are married, take some time to solve this issue you have. Marriage is a very serious commitment and is worth fighting for.
• I am not a piece of meat, nor is any woman. If you want a respectable girl, treat her with respect. I know a lot of guys who want the ideal woman to bring home to momma, yet they aren't the ideal man to bring home to daddy. Y'all look for these girls in all the wrong places, because you most likely hang out in all the wrong places. Most parents don't expect a lot, they just expect respect. Here are a few hints: Remember guys chivalry is always the right way to go. Take the time to go to the door, don't honk like the girl is a dog, especially if her parents are around. A girl with high standards, will require that of the guy as well. I don't have impossible standards, but I respect myself. Therefore, I wouldn't waste my time with anyone who didn't respect me or themselves. Remember that ladies, you are the one who controls how you are treated. If your boyfriend is being an idiot, to be said nicely, don't stay with him. You will find someone who loves and respects you. Show yourself some self love! Don't ever let a man tell you that you aren't worth pursing. For God became man, died and rose again just to pursue you. You are worth pursing. You are beautiful. You are loved.

      4.  Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Phil 4:6-7  

I know this may sound crazy to those who don't believe in prayer, but I pray about everything. Head is hurting, I pray on it. Work out is getting a little tough, pray. It begins to rain really hard while I am driving, I pray. The most important part of prayer that I recently learned, is just thanking and praising God for who He is. I must admit, I am still terrible at praying at night. I am prone to falling asleep mid prayer. I have more conversations with God than anything. I have shouted at Him, pleaded and cried to Him. He knows our heart and thoughts, yet praying is the direct line we have to Him that is always open. You can do it anytime you need to talk. I like to pretend He is an old friend, who has been there through it all with me. This is an easy thing to do since He really has been. I know prayers don't always get answered the way we want them to. His plan and why He answers the way He does can be a mystery to us, which brings me to my final lesson...                                    

     5.  Faith in God includes faith in His timing

By far this is the hardest lesson I have learned. As you might have read in previous posts, I am a planner. When I plan, I generally have a high success rate. All which I have accredited to myself in the past. In hindsight, I see that everything is in His grand plan. If my plan would have gone accordingly, I would not be sitting here as the person I am today. Every struggle has made me stronger, every wrong path has led to something God has planned for me. There is a reason I was blessed with a job across the street from my church. A reason that He lead my heart to helping out with the youth there. A reason that every young person, and adult within that group is in my life. A reason my childhood friend Kelly came up with the great idea to start a Monday night Bible study for girls who might not get the teaching elsewhere. A reason that I was praying and questioning my calling, just to hear a sermon confirming it. There is nothing more amazing and exhilarating than the path God has planned for me...

I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me nowIts like I'm falling, oh
Its like I'm falling in love...with Christ :)

Familiar Pain

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

I can promise you that this post was suppose be about how much my life has changed from a year ago. A year ago when I graduated, moved home and began this journey. A year of sadness, but most importantly happiness. Over-whelming happiness, joy and my path to Him.

I am angry right now though. Angry at death, angry at sickness, angry at why this is happening. I know it is OK to be angry at Him. We don't understand His timing or why bad things happen. So tonight, I am going to vent...

A year ago, on May 28th, my Papaw went to heaven. He was 93, and had Alzheimer's. He had no idea who his family was, he had no idea who he was. He was just a shell of who he used to be. I videoed him for my senior project, A documentary on Alzheimer's. I haven't even been able to watch it since he passed. It makes me sick to look at how sick he was. It was almost peaceful when he passed because we all knew he was at rest and with our Lord.

I say almost, because it is still difficult for us. As any of y'all know, losing someone is heart breaking. I know my Mamaw's heart still aches daily for the man she dedicated her life to.

A year later, my other grandpa is now in the hospital. He has been in and out for awhile now, but this is the worst. He went in with pneumonia and they thought they cured it. They sent him to a nursing home to do rehab. He also has a breathing condition, that makes him very short of breath and need oxygen. My Papaw had something very similar. A few days ago he was readmitted to the hospital, with pneumonia. The doctors told him that they can get rid of the pneumonia, but there isn't anymore they can do about his breathing condition.

There isn't anything more they can do...probably some of the worst words you can hear.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO blessed. I have had the privilege to know all of my grandparents. I have the privilege of getting to hug my mom and dad each day. I know others my age do not get that.

I just would give anything to make this different. Anything for my grandma to have her husband, for my dad to have his dad and for my grandpa get to met a grandchild somewhere down the road.  

The worst part of it all is that he is in Florida, and I haven't seen him in a year. He doesn't talk on the phone long, and all I want is just to hug him. I wish I could be there for him and my grandma. It is all so frustrating...

Unfortunately, death and heartbreak is a part of this world and none of us are immune to it. As a Christian I know that while we suffer here, HE has conquered the world. Through this, though I am angry, I still choose Him. I know He will never give me more than I can handle. As a precautionary note though, I feel like April and May are pretty set from years past. I would prefer June not to follow the trend...

Please pray for my grandpa, grandpa and family.

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

What is your god?

Work, money, television, beauty, music, school, a celebrity, grades, partying, fishing, alcohol, the opposite sex, sports, your friends... What or who runs your life? What are you obsessed with? What are you making your god?

These are questions that I have been pondering the past few weeks, and especially today. We have the free will in our life to choose how we live it, and we must make that choice wisely.

In high school, money and beauty was my god. To me, money was the way to happiness. It was the way to be able to buy cool clothes and afford the things I wanted. And believe me, I wanted A LOT! I would make a list of things I wanted to buy each week. Mostly clothes, swim suits, shoes and purses. Money apparently bought my happiness, but I was never happy enough.

So in college, I turned to school. I was broke as it gets because all that money I made in high school was spent. I put all my effort into school and grades. I made little to no time for anything but that and work.

Over those years, different things became my god periodically. Whether it was the opposite sex, partying or work. I rarely if ever made any real time for HIM.

I wish I could go back and say I did. I wish I could say that He was at the fore front of my actions and thoughts like many of the teens in the youth group I volunteer with. The truth is that He wasn't. He was maybe in my top 10 on a good day. The older I got, the closer He moved up to the top.

I realize this now. I realize why He is number 1 in my life. It is actually quite simple: everything else fades.

I do not own one cent from the money I earned in high school. None of the guys I have previously dated are still major parts of my life. College is done and gone with. I don't even remember most of the classes and grades I made. The parties have stopped and the jobs I had offer nothing to me now. None of these things can hold an everlasting happiness and rock. Nothing but the love of Jesus...

He is forever. His work never fades. That is the most powerful thing to me.

I am not condemning us who enjoy some of these things. I am not saying that sports, fishing and loving your other half is bad. These things are good, even great. It is when we make these things our life. It is when we live only to work. When we believe money does buy happiness.

It is not completely our fault. Our society today says to be self-reliant. It says you make your own destiny and that money is the way to all things. We lust and have idols, we make these items our god. I truly believe you can take that obsession and turn it into the glory of God. If you love money, donate some to your church or charity. If you love sports or fishing, you can easily turn this into an event to mentor those younger than you. You can take almost anything you have been through in your life and use it for the glory of God. After all, He made you.

It might help for those of us to realize that nothing here goes on with us when we meet our Creator. Your mansion, 5 cars and money in the bank stays here. Your good works though go with us. More importantly, the impact you made on others stays with them. Make that impact a memorable one. Live for Jesus, others, then yourself (JOY) :)

Another thing I want to make a quick note of, you are not unreachable. You are never so far gone that He will turn away from you...

Come to the waters,
you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father,
you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:
Love is here. Love is now...