Familiar Pain

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

I can promise you that this post was suppose be about how much my life has changed from a year ago. A year ago when I graduated, moved home and began this journey. A year of sadness, but most importantly happiness. Over-whelming happiness, joy and my path to Him.

I am angry right now though. Angry at death, angry at sickness, angry at why this is happening. I know it is OK to be angry at Him. We don't understand His timing or why bad things happen. So tonight, I am going to vent...

A year ago, on May 28th, my Papaw went to heaven. He was 93, and had Alzheimer's. He had no idea who his family was, he had no idea who he was. He was just a shell of who he used to be. I videoed him for my senior project, A documentary on Alzheimer's. I haven't even been able to watch it since he passed. It makes me sick to look at how sick he was. It was almost peaceful when he passed because we all knew he was at rest and with our Lord.

I say almost, because it is still difficult for us. As any of y'all know, losing someone is heart breaking. I know my Mamaw's heart still aches daily for the man she dedicated her life to.

A year later, my other grandpa is now in the hospital. He has been in and out for awhile now, but this is the worst. He went in with pneumonia and they thought they cured it. They sent him to a nursing home to do rehab. He also has a breathing condition, that makes him very short of breath and need oxygen. My Papaw had something very similar. A few days ago he was readmitted to the hospital, with pneumonia. The doctors told him that they can get rid of the pneumonia, but there isn't anymore they can do about his breathing condition.

There isn't anything more they can do...probably some of the worst words you can hear.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO blessed. I have had the privilege to know all of my grandparents. I have the privilege of getting to hug my mom and dad each day. I know others my age do not get that.

I just would give anything to make this different. Anything for my grandma to have her husband, for my dad to have his dad and for my grandpa get to met a grandchild somewhere down the road.  

The worst part of it all is that he is in Florida, and I haven't seen him in a year. He doesn't talk on the phone long, and all I want is just to hug him. I wish I could be there for him and my grandma. It is all so frustrating...

Unfortunately, death and heartbreak is a part of this world and none of us are immune to it. As a Christian I know that while we suffer here, HE has conquered the world. Through this, though I am angry, I still choose Him. I know He will never give me more than I can handle. As a precautionary note though, I feel like April and May are pretty set from years past. I would prefer June not to follow the trend...

Please pray for my grandpa, grandpa and family.

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all