Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I am used to getting what I want, when I want. I am used to working hard, and hard work paying off....

I am not used to waiting. I am not used to working hard to only be told, "not yet, be still".

I rebelled. I've been angry. I've been disappointed. I've been impatient.

I have turned away from Him, because I thought a lot like the songs says:

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know

I know He is here, I know He will never forsake me.  I think a lot of us are used to people letting us down. We give God the same attributes that we give people. That has been my mistake, and maybe yours too.

We are used to people lying to us, leaving us, dragging us down....

So when I believed in my heart that I was answering His call for my life, when I stayed on the straight and narrow, never straying, I expected to be rewarded with what my heart desires. I haven't been, not yet at least. I automatically gave God human emotions. I thought He had left me, forgotten me, that whatever I did was not enough.

I stupidly thought, "I'll show Him!!". Let me show you just how far off the path I can get. I have been trusting in myself more than in Him. I have had little self-respect- and if you can't respect yourself, who will respect you? I turned to worldly things to comfort my soul, I have no one to blame, but myself.  It is so easy to play the blame game and never take responsibility. This is me taking full responsibility....

This all hit me yesterday, and it was an amazing feeling to actually listen to Him again. We all have times where we fall off His path, but the important thing to remember is that He never leaves us. He is the ever present, bright lighthouse on the shore. We are the drifting wayward ship going through this storm called life. Don't lose sight of His light or His love for you...

You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Sister.

I will be by your side
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night
Whenever you call
And I won’t change my mind
No, I’ll see you through
And I won’t give up
No, I won’t give up
I won’t give up on you

 

Jessica—the most loveliest sister of all time…

I remember the first time we actually hung out. It was the day that Amber, you and I went to get snow cones and then to Chris’s to jump on the trampoline. You were 10 I think, and I was 17.  I remember feeling ridiculous scared to drive you anywhere. It was like you were this precious piece of cargo that I had to return in one piece. I am pretty sure I used a blinker at every turn, drove the speed limit and stopped extra-long at all stop signs. It is pretty funny to look back on that.

I have always been one to, “take someone younger under my wing”, and be there for them. Generally, this meant showing them how to be “cool” in high school. With you though, it was something completely different. From day one, you have made me want to be a better person, role model and sister. You have kept me to my word, called me out, kept me true to myself. I had no idea that day filled with snow cones, careful driving and trampolines would turn into a sister and now friendship that is truly irreplaceable.

For a long time, I felt like a distance sister or relative. We would only see each other on special occasions, Christmas, birthdays. I know I wasn’t always there for you throughout my time in college as much as I should have been. I know it was hard for you to understand then, but know that  everyone up there knew about you. I even wrote an essay about you that got me into the honors program. I  did enjoy the time we had together when I was home, even if it was short lived. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I would get so nervous when a new boyfriend of mine from college (sorry they were such losers :) haha) was going to meet you. I value your opinion because you are my sister.

This past year, I feel like our sister relationship has transformed into a true friendship. We were always there for each other in the past, but I think at first it was more me being there for you. I wanted to protect you from all bad things in life, shield you, and make sure you are always smiling. Now, you are here for me just as much. I know I can always count on you for a random conversation, dance session or deep talk. I want you to know that I am here in those ways and much more. You are a blessing that I thank God for each day. Speaking of God, I know our relationship has gotten better because of Him. Whether it was the Bible study from last semester, or you attending church with me now, it is amazing to see. I cannot wait to see how He continues to work in your life. You have a big heart, and I know that this will shine when you are doing His work.

You have so much to look forward to these last years of high school and in college. Things will not always be easy; there will be MER days, days were you don’t think your heart can handle anymore. I am no more than a phone call or drive away during these times. Remember that tough times don’t last forever, tough people do. You, my sister are a strong person. More importantly, there will days of happiness, over whelming happiness…and Sadie in yo mouf…

Jessica, you really are the little sister I have always wanted. I am so proud of you and the young woman you are becoming. You are smart, beautiful and funny. You can flow better than any 16 year old white girl I know. You make the best ferret face…still confused on why you are single when you are packing that. You are one of the most loyal people I know. If anyone is going to have my back, it is you. You have a ginormous heart, and look for the best in people. In a lot of ways we are so similar. It makes me feel like we have been sisters our whole life. Don’t let anyone take advantage of who you are, especially a guy. Always remember these wise words: haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate and tomatoes gonna tomate…they will get you through life...

 It is hard to remember a time when you weren't in my life, and I know you will always be a big part of it. You are Sadie's, Aunt Jessica. As I already told you, you will be speaking at my wedding to whatever lucky soul gets me. And one day far off in the future, my kids will know you as their Aunt. Unless I am forever alone, then you are just stuck with Sadie...MER!

Jessica, you are my sister, forever...

You need someone who knows you from the inside out
The way I do
I seen you walk the wire never looking down
I believe in you

I will be by your side

 No, I won’t give up
I won’t give up on you

I love you little sister with all of my heart...and butt...

Love,

Yo sister Lerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn