Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Because I trusted you…

Throughout any girl’s life, she will have friends that come and go. Some that grow to be sisters, others that will stab you in the back. I think the worst of this is one, who you thought of as a sister, and really turned out to be far from that.

I trust my friends. I trust them with my insecurities, I trust them with my problems, and I trust them to the point where they could probably ruin my life if they decided to. I only trust a few people this much and I usually think I have pretty good judgment on who gets my trust.

So I trusted you. I trusted you with all my problems. You were the first person I went to when I needed to cry, needed a glass of wine, and needed a laugh. Of course, we had our ups and downs, but this last year, you became someone I knew I wanted in my wedding. They say you go to college to find your bridesmaids, not your groom. Someone I knew I could tell everything to and receive no judgment. Someone who I wanted to work alongside everyday though at times was pure hell. Someone who when I was at my lowest could pull me up. I treasured our friendship. I know I was all this for you too or at least thought I was.

Then I graduated and Martin and I broke up.

I heard from you still, not as much. One can expect this when moving away and starting a new life. I understood.

What I didn’t understand and probably never will is the events that followed after.

I don’t care if others think it is not a big deal. I don’t care if he and I are no longer together. I do not want him. The issue at hand is not that I am still in love with him and I want to make that clear.

The issue is purely based on friendship and sisterhood. I trusted you enough to NEVER question your intentions, mostly because I remember how you BROKE when it happen to you. Even when things got a little fishy, I thought she knows how much I loved him. She was the one I went to when things were falling apart. She was the one I would cry to when things got bad with him and me. It has barely been two months there is no way.

So please, imagine my surprise when I got that text stating what it did.

This time it was my turn to be broken. A thousand million things filled my head at that second and I have slowly been able to get them out these past few days.

Yesterday I finally felt like I had a moment of clarity. I know that life teaches lessons and this one is to appreciate the friends that are true to you. The friends that can be stuck on an island with the one you used to love and not lay a finger on them. I know this is your loss, I know I am a true friend that would have driven up to Huntsville at the drop of a hat if you were hurting. I know this because I considered you one of my sisters. I am sorry you can’t say the same about me.

I am not going to lie; I am still hurting, a lot. I know I will miss you as a friend, but I know I could never make the mistake of trusting you ever again.

Friday, July 1, 2011

This is me opening up...


I promise that I am not always writing about death. In all honesty Austin has been the only person I have lost that is close to me...until now.

On May 28th, my Papaw went to be with God. His story is more of a celebration of life, rather than mourning of death. He was 93, lived a full and happy life. The day before he passed away he had a lucid moment and told my Mamaw that he loved her and was sorry for everything. The story of their life together is so beautiful. I only hope to have someone who is willing to stick by my side through peaks and valleys. Someone who is my best friend, who will be by my side to my dying day. They had true love, love that is hard to find in the world today.

Since I haven't written since April, A LOT has happened. I have graduated :) I now work at an amazing place, with amazing people and I love what I do. It can't get much better than that. I am close to family and old friends again. Sometimes it is all bittersweet. Especially because Martin and I are no longer together.

I think we both knew it was coming. The distance and some other things were just too much. The hardest part so far is just getting used to not always having him around. It can get lonely at my house when there is no one my age to talk to. Not to mention all of this happen the day after we buried Papaw.

I am not going to lie, I hurt at times. Sometimes it takes everything in me not to break down. I know things could be much worse and I am SO thankful to be blessed with this awesome job. Just in my head, I had this plan for my life and I thought I would be in a certain place by now...but I am not.

In the middle of all of this mess and sadness, I have found something to lean on. Since I have moved home my relationship with God has grown drastically. I love it and feel so full inside when I am talking to Him or worshiping or talking to someone about Him. I know this journey is not going to be easy, but the destination is the ultimate pay off.

So I guess to end this, life is not perfect and right when you have it figured out, it tumbles upside down. This is me now, trying to make sense of everything and where I should go now. Until next time...(and I promise it won't be almost 3 months)

Love y'all!!